Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
