its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
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