the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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