Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
