I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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