I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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