Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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