i already hear my dad disowning me
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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