He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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