What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
