he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
