I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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