I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She's the barista slut.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
