just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
