There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
