I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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