Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
