I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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