Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
