I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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