Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
