My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
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