ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize