youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
