if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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