I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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