I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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