i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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