im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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