If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I want her autograph on my taint
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
