I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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