My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
