i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
