I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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