remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize