I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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