apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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