Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
