I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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