I wish I could teleport
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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