Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
