I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
