and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
