Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
