we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
