I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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