I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
