Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
