32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
