i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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