Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
