There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
