Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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