matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize