Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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