What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
