Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
