She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
