My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
