Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
