So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
