I'm going to jail i love you
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
