that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Come on in and take your pants off
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
