I'm going to jail i love you
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
