someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
