you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
