I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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