I looked at my own cervix.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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