don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
