I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I would fuck him just for his dog
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
