Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
