I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My penis needs a shock collar
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize