I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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