I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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