I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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